We had a stillborn baby in November of 2010. The following words are the best way I know how to describe how it has affected me over the past year. Many of you will be able to relate.
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day.
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It is a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints and shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
-From The VelveteenRabbit
Young people often have the desire to “find themselves.” Circumstances and trials haven’t yet come their way, and they aren’t sure yet what they will do and who they will be. They’re often frustrated because they don’t feel “real” yet. They have lots of half-cooked ideas with no life experiences to go with them.
I don’t feel that way anymore.
Losing a child has really made me feel old, but not in a bad way.
Loving . . .and losing . . . a child you don’t even know. . .makes you more real.
Having five children to love makes you more resilient, softens your edges, and keeps you messy. J
It gives you gray hair, tearful eyes, and makes you loose all over.
It helps you see Truth as more about being real with people than being “right.”
Becoming “Real” hurts.
I still mind being hurt. I must have some more “becoming real” to do.
But it’s happening bit by bit.
Thank you for reading this. May your life be wrapped in Love.
Beloved, Let us love one another. For Love is of God, and everyone that loveth is born of God and knoweth God. But he that loveth not, knoweth not God, for God is love.
*sob*
ReplyDeleteYou just said it exactly. We buried our daughter in July 2010. She lived 12 minutes in our arms, but never made a sound ... it was a very "still" birth.
From another mommy walking along the path to becoming 'real',
Ashley (from MOMYS)
Our newborn daughter died 11 weeks ago and the process of being "real" is still so new. Thank you for articulating so well the things that are so hard to say.
ReplyDeleteI lost a baby girl @ 1 mo. old in 2002 and I still had heat rush through my body as I read your words. What you said is what I would say...
ReplyDeleteBecoming real hurts..
another MOMYS walking along the road to becoming real..